Monday, May 21, 2007

Lección dolorosa...




‘Será el día que recordaré por siempre’ –yo mismo




Nunca antes mi alma se estremeció con tanta fuerza. Nunca crujieron mis dientes ante la ira contra mí mismo, por haber sido un tonto, un idiota. Fui un bufón mentiroso que, como un ávido actor quitó su máscara solo para revelar su maquillaje. No he sido más que un hechicero engañoso arrepentido de sus sortilegios. Magia, arte que ha arremetido contra todo lo que algún día añoré tener.



He sido también un viejo titeretero que ha manipulado los hilos de otros para alcanzar sus metas. En el camino he enredado mis propios hilos, haciendo tropezar a mi ser más querido, a quien traté alguna vez de hacer sonreir con mi arte.



El dolor puede ser el mejor amigo, el confidente. Es también el mejor maestro, aquel que te enseña a pensar con claridad antes de tomar una decisión o llegar a un acuerdo. Susurra a tu oído mientras clava su puñal lentamente en tu costado, pero es preciso, pues solo lo hace donde más te marque.



Sólo los idiotas dicen no arrepentirse de nada. Sí, es verdad que los errores enseñan, ayudan a madurar, a ser un hombre de verdad, pero ellos solo niegan estar arrepentidos como si eso los hiciese parecer más maduros, más fuertes, pobres diablos…mas entiendo su orgullo ciego, lo vivo al caer mis súplicas en los frígidos oídos de un corazón herido.



Debo ser honesto conmigo mismo. Que las llamas calcinen mis huesos. Que las lágrimas infinitas apaguen las llamas. Que el tiempo haga cicatrizar mi herida. Tengo ahora en mis manos el regalo que tengo, solo tengo lo que algún momento debí tener solo sé que, a pesar de todo lo que tengo, tengo tanto y no tengo nada.




Lección Aprendida: ‘Te juro, por lo más sagrado, mi amor iluso y perdido, que pase lo que pase siempre te seré honesto’ –frente a un espejo

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Unstable ground...


The stone castle walls, built after many years of hardship fighting off the winds from the past, withstanding the fiercest of sieges, crumbled like a scribbled piece of paper in a child’s hands after the earthquake was gone…


A man fends off the many wolves surrounding his cabin. He bleeds from wounds inadequately tended, but his maiden and child are well protected. Hungry beasts prowl on the outside in waiting. As they rest his new love chooses to leave the door open. She is not sure if to leave it open or not, she changes her mind every hour, claiming humans were created to be ‘free’…

Two enemy leaders made a peace truce against their warring nations’ will…

A mother grounds her children for a week and brings them presents that same day…

You feel good one day, you fell better the next, yet on the third day your problems resurface, they resurrect like people say about The Christ. It is true, problems don’t just disappear, they hide, and sometimes they become stronger. To survive in life not only do you have to strive to achieve your goals, you also have to ponder if your goal is true, if it will make you feel successful once you attain it. For all I know you can risk your life climbing the highest mountain in search for Jesus’ tomb only to find Mohammad’s.

Make sure your goal is well set, even more that your feet are well-grounded. The time of chaos is near, in fact it’s always there in some people’s lives.

Are you willing to risk your sanity for someone else’s? In the future they might be grateful to you, for they might be at your side caring for your wounds, or they might care for another’s...


Lesson Learned: If your life seems to become a checkerboard, make sure you make the right moves to keep your main pieces together, even if you need to sacrifice some pieces in the process…

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Heaven's teachings...




‘I want to take you up to the heavens, just as you have taken me’ – D.





…read the postcard on my birthday this year. There were five, perhaps six of them but this one, the very last one, caught my attention more than anything else.


As I turned it around I saw a picture of a hot air balloon and immediately felt like a child once again. I couldn’t help it but smile and laugh. Good as it might have been, the idea that I might have gotten a day at a spa didn’t comfort me. A day on a boat…well, that was okay. Now a hot air balloon, that was totally unexpected.


After the years I’ve lived and what I've been through I’m not easily surprised. I tend to expect anything from anyone and I have thought, in my foolish arrogance and wrongly at times that people are just plainly predictable.



Nearly two months passed by before the trip came to happen. It had been cancelled three times due to the weather mostly. The day before it all happened I was caught unprepared, we received that unusual call reminding us and that made the excitement even greater.


The day finally arrived, that weird morning I was filled with a mix of curiosity and fear of the unknown. The hot air balloon took off, we were lifted up in the air like a leaf in the faintest and calmest of winds.



Seconds later we were a hundred feet high, minutes later the distance became over a thousand feet. No noise was heard other than the flames warming the balloon’s inside. The wind had made a pact of peace with our beings, letting us enjoy the landscape down below.



An indescribable sensation took over me. I was just an insignificant man floating in the air above it all, powerless. Cars moved hurriedly like ants from one place to another. Dogs and horses covered what seemed like a very short distance. People tending their land, houses being built, children playing… It is such a big place we live in. I was humbled by the beauty of the sun appearing in the horizon, trying to climb higher than us in the skyline.

We are nothing, we can just die in an instant and the world will continue spinning, everyone will continue their daily lives despite their temporary hurting. Yet, we think we’re all that. No one’s indispensable. Whatever we do can, in a way, affect a lot of people, or just become lost in the large pond of meaningless events around us.



I have received the best gift of all, a time of introspection like no other, a moment where I have learned to appreciate life from a different perspective. One day I will pay it back.






Lesson Learned: Life is a great deal more than what I have thought until now. I will focus more on the big picture than on small meaningless details.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Deep struggle...




Stillness
Stealthy movement unnoticed
As time stopped eternally
Advancing only in age

Silence
The dungeon of solitude
A prisoner inside his own lips
Claiming mutely for freedom

Sadness
Death of emotions
And tears unshed a sea
Where a smile vanishes and drowns

Survival
In a glacier once called home
A million feelings numbed
And no flame desired

Slumber
The closest escape route
The being unwise
Regenerator of life

Strength
A thousand youths present
The extinct smile returning
I can only hope for the best

Surrender
If there is a solution, God, tell me
For I can’t help it but wonder
Am I killing myself or just dying

Friday, May 4, 2007

Cleansing pyre...




And the flames purging my soul from sins both real and imagined formed blisters on the scalded skin, the once diabolical expression leaving behind the forgotten carcass of a tortured angel…




Imagine yourself with your eyes closed, feeling the urge to scream to the top of your lungs; once you open the twin orbs you find yourself chained to the bottom of a pool filled with stagnant water…


It is just like a preacher with the message of salvation roaming along an arid desert where no life exists…


An astronaut adrift in space whose helmet breaks after the explosion of his mother ship…


The last creature of an endangered species, barren…


A witness jailed by the judge himself…


What would a mentally handicapped patient would feel if his life would depend on his correct interpretation of the prophecies in all sacred books ever written…



It is hopeless…



…when the dictators indiscriminately questions all by torture


…when we face an unmerciful opponent we never intended to set to ire



How painful it is to see myself at a stake for a crime my judge imagines I commited. My voice falls to deaf ears, my hurting felt by a cold stone heart, my tears appreciated by empty eye sockets…



Lesson Learned: The inquisitorial judgement could only destroy, never create something of lasting value…


…now I understand why the Church had to be persecuted.


Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Hidden playground...



Innumerable children exist in the vast expanse of an imaginary, yet always present playground. An ever-changing place filled with all the toys one could have only dreamed of. Near the entrance, a small child waits impatiently for his parents to come for him soon. A ball hits the head of another one who stands sobbing in a corner, the rejection of the rest taking its toll on him. A little girl shares her candy with an older boy, and he takes advantage of her. A pair bickers over broken crayons, ignoring that their painting book has no pages. Behind a few shrubs resting against the fence a few boys play hide-and-seek.


The melody of a pretty girl’s voice rises from between the laughter of the many others ignoring her. Another kid stomps on the ground where two other smaller children build a castle, lifting a trail, a cloud of dust covering his footsteps. Close to them two little girls chase after butterflies.


A line of children, all different ages and races stand in front of the water fountain expectantly, eager to taste the water, the divine fluid that will quench their thirst. Some will drink a little, some end up with their shirts drenched, but all that doesn’t matter to them, all they want is to satiate themselves.


Near the playground’s center, a see-saw ominously decides the fate of two children. One is up a moment, seeing the heavens above, the playground where everyone has fun in one way or another; the other one lies closer to the ground, sacrificing his view for the enjoyment of the first one, voluntarily or not.


And there, in the middle of it all, a bold child stands atop a tall slide and he screams to the top of his lungs in excitement ‘look at me, everyone look at me!’.



Where are you in this playground called life?



Do you see all the beauty around you? Are you filled with insecurities, waiting for someone to come to the rescue while forgetting everything around you? Are you one of those who have always felt rejected by the rest, crying in silence with a heart in agony. Maybe you have given yourself to another only to be taken advantage of.


Do you bicker constantly over broken dreams, over things you just imagine exist or events you think happened?


Are you hiding from the world, or do you search for others only to avoid finding yourself? Do you want to be noticed, or are you one of those who ignore the ones who strive for something better, enviously?


Are you building your future, or are you stepping on someone else’s chance to succeed?


Are you chasing your dreams?


Many stand in line waiting, to finally get what will quench their desires.


Do you sacrifice it all for the betterment of another, or do you just live thinking of what your getting, ignoring other people’s sacrifices?


Are you bold enough to stand out and say ‘here I am, I’m ready to make a change’?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Endless drought...



A hidden feeling unsought


Unnoticed


Unchecked


Growing fiercer with every moment



The dying breath of a newborn


The ending joy of a saddened soul


The final words in the preamble


A cursed blessing unspoken



The dry river flowing though veins


Wreaking havoc as it floods


With its empty arms


Hugging and choking an erotic passion



A lone soldier standing


The lost battle over


Hopelessly alone amidst the dead


Slowly bleeding endlessly

Monday, April 23, 2007

Secret windows...




'What do we see in the eyes of another?'

-The Puppet Master




It is not frequently that we take some time to gaze upon the depths of another person’s eyes. There is so much we’re missing…


We can speak to someone else for a long time, yet it is in our human nature to avoid getting captivated by the pitch black of someone else’s pupils for a single minute.


The eye is not just an organ living beings use to ‘see’. It is an orb which can help in the studying and observation of our surroundings, and also our prey.



Some eyes are a garden of hope for those who desire to be rescued. Others are darting children ever ready to capture everything around them in their web of memories. Some eyes are orphans begging for battles to finish. Yet, they can also be a watery grave for non-corresponded love. A myriad colors adorn these, fooling us like the shades in different blooming flowers. Thousands of muscle fibers help control the black hole, the empty valve we call the pupil. It is a solemn cavern leading to the unknown depths of our thoughts. It sometimes grows, just as uncontrolled desire and lust. It sometimes shrinks in aversion.



The eyes are the windows of the soul. They are an open library from which much can be learned. Each page telling of the joys, of the sorrows, the pain, the suffering, the bitterness and the humility that have shaped the realm each person is.



If one takes the time to look into that magical realm of infinite possibilities, countless poems will spring to mind as secrets even greater than the ocean’s become revealed.



So, in the end, each pair of eyes hide the treasure we all hide inside ourselves, ready for the daring adventurer to find it.



Lesson Learned: Taking time to gaze into someone else's eyes will teach you more than by reading a detailed journal.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Reality check...




I’ve been asked if I’ve seen God, the One, god or however one may choose to call Him, or him, or it…



I haven’t.

I haven’t heard his voice.

I haven’t touched him.

I haven’t tasted it.



How can I believe in Him then?



As a man I’ve traveled some. I have seen the icy reaches of the Arctic Circle. I've foraged for mushrooms in the Swedish woodlands. I have also enjoyed seeing dolphins jumping in the wild.

I have helped heal a leper's wounds. I have seen a child die with AIDS.

I have visited many a prisoner. I have made love over a hundred rose petals.
I have performed in front of an audience. I've met a royal family.

I have seen brain surgery being performed. I've seen people wake up from a coma.

I have delivered a baby, and I have also seen death in the face.

I've seen the World. I've seen the hurting, and I've also hurt myself time and time again with my own stupidity.

I have also found love.


I have seen hope in the faces of the ill, sadness in the faces of those who suffer, joy in the ones who live…

I have never seen pain. I have seen people hurt, but I have not seen pain itself.


I haven’t heard it.


I haven’t touched it.


I haven’t tasted it.



Does pain, then, exist? People claim they have felt God in their hearts, lives or even minds. Who am I to judge them?



To each his own beliefs.



For all I know, there must be a being, a higher power up there somewhere. If I believe it or not it won’t make him more or less real.


Lesson Learned: So I choose to believe: God, just as pain, is a matter of faith.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Café vertido...


El collage en la pared de exposiciones de aquel mórbido hospital captaba mi atención, pero más lo hacía aquella foto donde me veía a mí mismo desde lejos; una foto clandestina a blanco y negro donde yacía sentado en una acera, tomando un café junto a una guardia de seguridad anciana y una niña.

'La Humanidad en la Medicina' titulaba aquella foto…


El rugir de autos viejos no era mucho más molestoso que el humo expedido por los mismos. Mi bata en pocos minutos dejaría de ser blanca para tornarse gris. Cualquier pensamiento frívolo alejaría mis pensamientos del estrés diario al que estaba constantemente expuesto.

Cruzaba la calle para comprarme el tan adictivo café, mi único vicio, al menos asi lo veía. 'Buenos días doctor' las palabras provenian de una mujer de edad avanzada, su pelo teñido de un color vino añejado, las raíces blanquecinas asomadas en su cabeza.
La respuesta a penas escapó de estos labios que, quién sabe si por compromiso en esos momentos, sonrieron. Ocupado llegué hasta el estante donde compraría el tan codiciado tesoro liquefacto.

De regreso con varios cafés en las manos decidí pasar por aquel mismo rincón donde sentada estaba la guardia, como un viejo resignado esperando la muerte que no acaba de avecinarse. Sus ojos cansados observaban una pequeña niña que se le acercaba curiosa. Esa misma criatura que, por no tropezarme con ella traté infructuosamente de esquivar, vertiendo dos de los cuatro envases que llevaba.

En vez de continuar mi camino decidí servir un momento como ciudadano responsable y recoger aquel desastre. Mientras lo hacia, escuchaba la niñita preguntar a la mujer ‘Como te llamas?’

‘Josefina’ respondió.
‘Te ves cansada’ agregó la diminuta.
‘Lo estoy’
‘Por que?’
‘Por el trabajo’ añadio la mujer, que con toda calma contestaba a la criatura inquisitiva.

‘Por qué trabajas? De donde vienes?’ con más rapidez preguntó, deseando saciar mil curiosidades.

La mujer comenzó a contarle de su procedencia, de cómo había venido ilegalmente desde la República Dominicana. Contó de cómo tuvo que luchar contra un hombre maltratante, de cómo fue abusada en el pasado. Relató de sus hijos, del que murió enfermo, del que mataron, del que abandonó el hogar. Habló de que estaba sola, de cómo habia sido rechazada para mil trabajos, de cómo solo podía ‘servir’ a los demás. Habló además de cómo superó todo aquello, como dejó de planchar ropa, de cocinarle a otros, de limpiar casas y de como al fin habia, ya cansada, alcanzado una posición mejor, a su entender, aquella de Guardia de Seguridad en un hospital de mala muerte.

Aquella guardia de seguridad olvidada e ignorada, aquella mujer cuya vida contada jamás ganaría un Oscar. Esa mujer valiente que vivía sola y agotada y apreciaba lo que había logrado, mientras nosotros cubiertos de mierda además de nuestros uniformes.

Terminé sentado a su lado, dando mi café como ofrenda. ‘Tenga, gran mujer, muchísimas gracias’

‘Las gracias se la debo a usted, doctor, por el café’ replica ella sonriendo.
‘No mujer, usted me acaba de abrir los ojos como libro alguno jamás hizo’ contesté marchandome a mi trabajo.



Lección Aprendida: Escuchar por un minuto a una persona ignorada puede cambiar tu vida.