Thursday, May 24, 2007

Nieve blanca...




Si me preguntas por qué creo en ángeles entenderé que eres ciego


-The Puppet Master





‘¿Qué cantas?’



Esa voz de pequeña curiosa todavía hace eco en mi mente, siempre dibujando una sonrisa plena en mi rostro.


Me recuerdo sentado tras un escritorio viejo, de espaldas a ella. Contesté que era sólo una canción que había escrito, restando importancia. Aun así insistió en escucharla entera. En algún otro caso probablemente me hubiese resistido, al menos algo, mas esta no era solo una niña en una iglesia o vecindario curioseando, era ella una joven desafortunada internada en la unidad de cuidado intensivo del hospital de la capital. Yo le atendía desde hace solo un día.


‘Si tan solo mi papá la pudiese escuchar algún día…¿Se la cantarías?’ Contesté que por supuesto, tratando de salir del paso.



La recuerdo sola en esa cama, la unidad de intensivo pediátrico vacía en esos días. Era la chiquilla la única paciente. Bien por mí, estaba a penas empezando la práctica de mi carrera médica y con un solo caso, complicado como era, tendría tiempo para cometer menos errores.



Quedó enamorada de un peluche que llevaba en mi bolsillo, un pequeño oso polar que a penas costo un dólar. Lo cargaba para llamar la atención de los pequeños en la unidad de pediatría. El día siguiente le regalé el osillo, a quien coloqué un yeso con cinta adhesiva en la cabeza hasta cubrir diagonalmente uno de sus ojos.


‘Así podré cuidar de él así como me cuidas a mí’ indicó la niña.



Conocí a sus padres. Insistieron en escuchar la canción. Luego de interpretarla el hombre me contó, con lágrimas asomándose en sus ojos, acerca de sí. Era un hombre retirado, había sido pastor de una iglesia por muchos años. Junto a su esposa decidieron un día adoptar una niña a sabiendas que había nacido hiv positivo.



A sabiendas…



El hombre dejó el servicio a la iglesia cuando la niña comenzó a enfermarse seriamente. Ya era ella una jovencita de catorce años de edad, con una sonrisa amplia eternamente grabada en su rostro y un corazón enorme. Mucha gente criticó su abandono de la iglesia.


‘Es usted admirable’ indiqué. ‘Gente como usted son los verdaderos héroes que salvan el mundo. Salvan el mundo entero de una chica. El cielo esta hecho para gente así, y no para aquellos que pierden su tiempo solo cantando dentro de una iglesia’



Su madre mencionó que en una semana sería el quinceañero de esta niña, que dejaría de serlo, según la tradición, para convertirse en una mujercita. De regalo había pedido vestirse de Blanca Nieves, pero la chiquilla no sabia si podría cumplirse el deseo ‘porque mis papás no tienen tanto dinero, así que si me ponen una Blanca Nieves en el bizcocho con eso me imaginare que soy yo’. Mientras miraba con disimulo a su madre ella me hacía señas, afirmando con su cabeza y llevando su dedo a la boca en señal de silencio.



Llegaba el fin de semana, tendría el domingo una presentación con la banda donde solía ser vocalista. La niña andaba muy mal, su condición empeoraba, mas ella con mas ánimo me dijo ‘Espero que todo les vaya bien, quisiera estar bien para poder ir a verlos cantar. Antes que se vaya, doctor ¿Cree que pueda estar el martes fuera de aquí para poder ir a mi quinceañero?’


‘Quién sabe’ respondí ‘quizás sí’.


Ese viernes ella ya había comenzado a levantarse de la camilla a caminar, tenía mas fuerzas. Su ánimo aumentaba cada momento.



Conseguí los permisos para poder traer la banda entera a la unidad de intensivo a cantar para ella, que ya mejoraba tanto que fue trasladada al piso regular. Sus resultados de laboratorio, sin embargo, estaban peor que nunca.


‘Lo que hace el ánimo y la fe’ me dije a mí mismo.


El domingo al medio día vendríamos inmediatamente luego de nuestra presentación a cantarle como regalo sorpresa de quinceañero.



El martes se cumpliría su sueño mayor. El lunes posiblemente se daría de alta. El domingo en la madrugada falleció…



Ya en la funeraria su padre me presentó como ‘el medico loco, el único que la hizo sonreir durante sus últimos días’.



Me acerqué al ataúd, donde se hallaba aquel ángel inocente que ya no sonreía. Allí yacía con su osito de peluche entre sus manos inertes. Vestía su traje de Blanca Nieves y, como en el cuento, dormía en su féretro esperando al príncipe azul que para ella nunca vendría.


De seguro desde el cielo escuchaba la canción que allí le cantamos y danzaba con su vestido nuevo eternamente sonriendo…





Lección Aprendida: Mañana puede ser muy tarde para demostrar amor.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Lección dolorosa...




‘Será el día que recordaré por siempre’ –yo mismo




Nunca antes mi alma se estremeció con tanta fuerza. Nunca crujieron mis dientes ante la ira contra mí mismo, por haber sido un tonto, un idiota. Fui un bufón mentiroso que, como un ávido actor quitó su máscara solo para revelar su maquillaje. No he sido más que un hechicero engañoso arrepentido de sus sortilegios. Magia, arte que ha arremetido contra todo lo que algún día añoré tener.



He sido también un viejo titeretero que ha manipulado los hilos de otros para alcanzar sus metas. En el camino he enredado mis propios hilos, haciendo tropezar a mi ser más querido, a quien traté alguna vez de hacer sonreir con mi arte.



El dolor puede ser el mejor amigo, el confidente. Es también el mejor maestro, aquel que te enseña a pensar con claridad antes de tomar una decisión o llegar a un acuerdo. Susurra a tu oído mientras clava su puñal lentamente en tu costado, pero es preciso, pues solo lo hace donde más te marque.



Sólo los idiotas dicen no arrepentirse de nada. Sí, es verdad que los errores enseñan, ayudan a madurar, a ser un hombre de verdad, pero ellos solo niegan estar arrepentidos como si eso los hiciese parecer más maduros, más fuertes, pobres diablos…mas entiendo su orgullo ciego, lo vivo al caer mis súplicas en los frígidos oídos de un corazón herido.



Debo ser honesto conmigo mismo. Que las llamas calcinen mis huesos. Que las lágrimas infinitas apaguen las llamas. Que el tiempo haga cicatrizar mi herida. Tengo ahora en mis manos el regalo que tengo, solo tengo lo que algún momento debí tener solo sé que, a pesar de todo lo que tengo, tengo tanto y no tengo nada.




Lección Aprendida: ‘Te juro, por lo más sagrado, mi amor iluso y perdido, que pase lo que pase siempre te seré honesto’ –frente a un espejo

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Unstable ground...


The stone castle walls, built after many years of hardship fighting off the winds from the past, withstanding the fiercest of sieges, crumbled like a scribbled piece of paper in a child’s hands after the earthquake was gone…


A man fends off the many wolves surrounding his cabin. He bleeds from wounds inadequately tended, but his maiden and child are well protected. Hungry beasts prowl on the outside in waiting. As they rest his new love chooses to leave the door open. She is not sure if to leave it open or not, she changes her mind every hour, claiming humans were created to be ‘free’…

Two enemy leaders made a peace truce against their warring nations’ will…

A mother grounds her children for a week and brings them presents that same day…

You feel good one day, you fell better the next, yet on the third day your problems resurface, they resurrect like people say about The Christ. It is true, problems don’t just disappear, they hide, and sometimes they become stronger. To survive in life not only do you have to strive to achieve your goals, you also have to ponder if your goal is true, if it will make you feel successful once you attain it. For all I know you can risk your life climbing the highest mountain in search for Jesus’ tomb only to find Mohammad’s.

Make sure your goal is well set, even more that your feet are well-grounded. The time of chaos is near, in fact it’s always there in some people’s lives.

Are you willing to risk your sanity for someone else’s? In the future they might be grateful to you, for they might be at your side caring for your wounds, or they might care for another’s...


Lesson Learned: If your life seems to become a checkerboard, make sure you make the right moves to keep your main pieces together, even if you need to sacrifice some pieces in the process…

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Heaven's teachings...




‘I want to take you up to the heavens, just as you have taken me’ – D.





…read the postcard on my birthday this year. There were five, perhaps six of them but this one, the very last one, caught my attention more than anything else.


As I turned it around I saw a picture of a hot air balloon and immediately felt like a child once again. I couldn’t help it but smile and laugh. Good as it might have been, the idea that I might have gotten a day at a spa didn’t comfort me. A day on a boat…well, that was okay. Now a hot air balloon, that was totally unexpected.


After the years I’ve lived and what I've been through I’m not easily surprised. I tend to expect anything from anyone and I have thought, in my foolish arrogance and wrongly at times that people are just plainly predictable.



Nearly two months passed by before the trip came to happen. It had been cancelled three times due to the weather mostly. The day before it all happened I was caught unprepared, we received that unusual call reminding us and that made the excitement even greater.


The day finally arrived, that weird morning I was filled with a mix of curiosity and fear of the unknown. The hot air balloon took off, we were lifted up in the air like a leaf in the faintest and calmest of winds.



Seconds later we were a hundred feet high, minutes later the distance became over a thousand feet. No noise was heard other than the flames warming the balloon’s inside. The wind had made a pact of peace with our beings, letting us enjoy the landscape down below.



An indescribable sensation took over me. I was just an insignificant man floating in the air above it all, powerless. Cars moved hurriedly like ants from one place to another. Dogs and horses covered what seemed like a very short distance. People tending their land, houses being built, children playing… It is such a big place we live in. I was humbled by the beauty of the sun appearing in the horizon, trying to climb higher than us in the skyline.

We are nothing, we can just die in an instant and the world will continue spinning, everyone will continue their daily lives despite their temporary hurting. Yet, we think we’re all that. No one’s indispensable. Whatever we do can, in a way, affect a lot of people, or just become lost in the large pond of meaningless events around us.



I have received the best gift of all, a time of introspection like no other, a moment where I have learned to appreciate life from a different perspective. One day I will pay it back.






Lesson Learned: Life is a great deal more than what I have thought until now. I will focus more on the big picture than on small meaningless details.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Deep struggle...




Stillness
Stealthy movement unnoticed
As time stopped eternally
Advancing only in age

Silence
The dungeon of solitude
A prisoner inside his own lips
Claiming mutely for freedom

Sadness
Death of emotions
And tears unshed a sea
Where a smile vanishes and drowns

Survival
In a glacier once called home
A million feelings numbed
And no flame desired

Slumber
The closest escape route
The being unwise
Regenerator of life

Strength
A thousand youths present
The extinct smile returning
I can only hope for the best

Surrender
If there is a solution, God, tell me
For I can’t help it but wonder
Am I killing myself or just dying

Friday, May 4, 2007

Cleansing pyre...




And the flames purging my soul from sins both real and imagined formed blisters on the scalded skin, the once diabolical expression leaving behind the forgotten carcass of a tortured angel…




Imagine yourself with your eyes closed, feeling the urge to scream to the top of your lungs; once you open the twin orbs you find yourself chained to the bottom of a pool filled with stagnant water…


It is just like a preacher with the message of salvation roaming along an arid desert where no life exists…


An astronaut adrift in space whose helmet breaks after the explosion of his mother ship…


The last creature of an endangered species, barren…


A witness jailed by the judge himself…


What would a mentally handicapped patient would feel if his life would depend on his correct interpretation of the prophecies in all sacred books ever written…



It is hopeless…



…when the dictators indiscriminately questions all by torture


…when we face an unmerciful opponent we never intended to set to ire



How painful it is to see myself at a stake for a crime my judge imagines I commited. My voice falls to deaf ears, my hurting felt by a cold stone heart, my tears appreciated by empty eye sockets…



Lesson Learned: The inquisitorial judgement could only destroy, never create something of lasting value…


…now I understand why the Church had to be persecuted.


Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Hidden playground...



Innumerable children exist in the vast expanse of an imaginary, yet always present playground. An ever-changing place filled with all the toys one could have only dreamed of. Near the entrance, a small child waits impatiently for his parents to come for him soon. A ball hits the head of another one who stands sobbing in a corner, the rejection of the rest taking its toll on him. A little girl shares her candy with an older boy, and he takes advantage of her. A pair bickers over broken crayons, ignoring that their painting book has no pages. Behind a few shrubs resting against the fence a few boys play hide-and-seek.


The melody of a pretty girl’s voice rises from between the laughter of the many others ignoring her. Another kid stomps on the ground where two other smaller children build a castle, lifting a trail, a cloud of dust covering his footsteps. Close to them two little girls chase after butterflies.


A line of children, all different ages and races stand in front of the water fountain expectantly, eager to taste the water, the divine fluid that will quench their thirst. Some will drink a little, some end up with their shirts drenched, but all that doesn’t matter to them, all they want is to satiate themselves.


Near the playground’s center, a see-saw ominously decides the fate of two children. One is up a moment, seeing the heavens above, the playground where everyone has fun in one way or another; the other one lies closer to the ground, sacrificing his view for the enjoyment of the first one, voluntarily or not.


And there, in the middle of it all, a bold child stands atop a tall slide and he screams to the top of his lungs in excitement ‘look at me, everyone look at me!’.



Where are you in this playground called life?



Do you see all the beauty around you? Are you filled with insecurities, waiting for someone to come to the rescue while forgetting everything around you? Are you one of those who have always felt rejected by the rest, crying in silence with a heart in agony. Maybe you have given yourself to another only to be taken advantage of.


Do you bicker constantly over broken dreams, over things you just imagine exist or events you think happened?


Are you hiding from the world, or do you search for others only to avoid finding yourself? Do you want to be noticed, or are you one of those who ignore the ones who strive for something better, enviously?


Are you building your future, or are you stepping on someone else’s chance to succeed?


Are you chasing your dreams?


Many stand in line waiting, to finally get what will quench their desires.


Do you sacrifice it all for the betterment of another, or do you just live thinking of what your getting, ignoring other people’s sacrifices?


Are you bold enough to stand out and say ‘here I am, I’m ready to make a change’?